Anyone that knows me VERY well knows I have this ‘thing’ about my nose.

This ‘thing’ translates in to a very real and acute phobia of anything going up my nose.  Yeah, I know.  I file it beside my other irrational fears which include fear of stalling the car and fear of plastic straws.  Out of the three, the nose thing is definitely top of the list.

I’m disappointed to discover there isn’t an actual technical term for this phobia – we all love a good label, don’t we?  Surely I’m not the only human being on the planet?  A quick Google search tells me that a fear of noses in general is called Rhinophobia.  No shit!  What the hell would you call a fear of Rhinos then?  Surely that would be Rhinophobia too?  That could get very complicated interesting if you were trying to arrange some kind of group therapy.  Oh man.

So yeah, nobody was as surprised as me when I opted to get my nose pierced whilst lording it up in the beautifully enigmatic Iceland.  It was possibly the most gloriously bloody disturbing experience of my entire life.  I’ll spare you the long version of this story.  Suffice it to say the nose stud disappeared INSIDE my nose and required fishing out with a pair of pliers. PLIERS, I tell you.  UP. MY. NOSE.

Moving on.

Six months on, I cautiously enter a piercing studio smack bang in the heart of a bustling Camden town trying to look every bit the ‘seasoned’ pierced person.  I think my cover was blown when I explained to the woman behind the counter that I was frequenting her fine piercing establishment looking for a professional to extract existing nose stud and replace with something a bit more pretty and sparkley.

Out from the back of the shop steps forward an insanely tall, strapping young man.  He was head to toe in piercings, a stramash of black hair and a superabundance of tattoos in glorious Technicolour.  Metal was coming out of literally every orifice (that I could see anyway, and I imagine orifices I couldn’t see.  For the record, I’m not imagining those orifices right now, I mean, I am almost certain… It’s a figure of speech… Shut up, Emma).

YEP, THIS WAS MY MAN!

Or not.

Half an hour later this beautifully metalled up man is STILL trying to change my piercing.  Sitting there wondering if it would be altogether uncool to ask if I could lie down on the bed, blood casually dripping off my face whilst he inserts implements you’d expect to find in a dentist surgery, metal man expertly informs me that my nose has been pierced at an awkward angle.  His technical description akin to a concerned tradesmen eyeing up a botched conservatory job ready to tell me I was ‘done’ and this would cost me a pretty penny to fix.

I want to cry.  Badly.  Unfortunately his hands and instruments of torture are hindering the process.

Finally, we get there.  Me and my new nose stud make our way to the nearest bottle of wine or two four.

A year later I again, hesitantly, make my way to a piercing studio in my home town to again change the stud.  Gearing myself up for yet another trauma I explain to the man that this is going to be tricky, my nose is pierced at an awkward angle – YOU’LL NEED THE SPECIAL TOOLS!

Within half a second (no shit!) the jolly ‘normal looking’ man behind the counter gleefully slips a shiny new stud in to my terrified and holey nose.

Done.

What can we take from this compelling story with regards to raw food?

• Never get your nose pierced.  Kidding.
• Don’t judge a book by its cover.  Just because someone ‘looks’ the part does not mean they will be able to help you.  We tend to turn to the people getting the results we want in the first instance.  Sometimes we need to be aware that what works for them may not work for us (for whatever reason).  Sometimes we need to be aware that they could be a complete arse.
• Sometimes the answers lie in the most unexpected places.  Someone you think on the face of it will not be able to help you, is able to open you up to new possibilities for yourself.  New ideas about your health.  New ways of looking at things.
• Don’t expect to keep getting the same results every single time.  What happened when you tried something before may not happen the second time round.  Things change.  Whether that’s because you’ve tweaked something or not.
• Even if it’s uncomfortable, step outside your comfort zone.  Step outside your rigidity about your diet, outside your beliefs.  Be prepared to face something even if it goes against what is comfortable for you to believe.
• In the name of resplendent lunacy and embracing the spirit of life, try something new.  Have some fucking fun.  If this isn’t fun, you’re not doing it right!

 

p.s. Seriously, do you know what a fear of Rhinoceri is called?

p.p.s. A few people have contacted me to ask if Me Raw: You Cooked (1st edition) can still be made available until the sexy 2nd edition is unveiled.  If you’d be interested in 50% off for edition 1 drop me an email with the title ‘I know what the fear of Rhinoceri is called’ to emma@rawfoodscotland.com