If there’s one word that makes me want to pour a metric tonne of gasoline over the entire raw food movement and gleefully strike a giant fucking match, it’s the F word.
Surprisingly, I’m not talking about the FUCK word (although it’s likely to crop up more than once in this post, let’s be honest). Nope, today I’m
talking ranting about the FAIL word.
You see it all the time…
Such and such failed the raw food diet because they didn’t eat [insert ridiculous and speculative notion of something you have no real clue about here].
Oh, I’m such a failure, I ate a pizza. Back to square one for me. I’m going to have to juice feast ’til at least 2015 and do hourly enemas with my zeolites!
Over fifty trillion web pages dedicated to ‘Top 10 reasons why you failed to eat raw’. OK, so I slightly exaggerated that number.
Fuck. Right. Off.
What if I told you it’s impossible to fail when you embark on a raw food lifestyle?
What if I told you that viewing it in this way makes raw food an extra 79% less fun? What if I told you that I had that statistic scientifically proven in a lab? What if I told you that that last statement is a lie but I’m pretty sure the 79% thing holds true?
Here’s why it’s impossible to fail.
The definition of failure according to the all-knowing Internet:
Let me now elaborate on these and how it’s impossible for them to refer to eating raw. Ever.
1. This one is easy. There is no fucking end. Eating raw, natural, living foods is an ongoing process. I won’t even deadhead you with the ‘it’s a journey’ crap. My Gods, has that metaphor been done to death! I prefer to say it’s an adventure. One that has no end. If there is no end there’s no outcome. How then can you deem yourself a failure?
2. Being insufficient? Falling short? Of what exactly? What is it you’re trying to achieve? 40 billion days consistent raw food eating? Transcending to the 8th dimension? Levitation? Invisibility? Here’s the answer to this one. There is nothing you can be insufficient at when eating raw food. You eat raw food. You don’t eat raw food. That’s pretty much where that one starts and ends. When you make it a bigger deal than this, you’re dragging your EGO in to it and that my friends is un endroit dangereux -*said in my sexiest French accent*.
3. Easy. THIS is what a cessation of proper functioning or performance looks like. Is this you? No, didn’t think so.
4. Of what is requested or expected. Well, this one comes down to YOU. You know you can’t compare yourself to anybody else in this game, right? This is a one-man show, baby! So, by my calculations if you can only compete with you then you’re bound to win, right? I mean that logic can’t be flawed. Again, what is it you’re expecting? Grandiose notions of Golden immortality or enhanced levels of health and vitality? Both of that shit takes time. A long time. Have zero expectations and you can’t fail but succeed.
5. Failing to pass a test. I don’t know about you but I’m pretty sure the last time anyone checked, tests suck ass. The only way this one applies as I see it is if you’re treating this lifestyle as some kind of test be it of purification or to take you to some level of enlightenment…
Let me tell you a secret.
Opening the packet of biscuits IS enlightenment.
Eating the raw chocolate IS enlightenment.
Soaking your buckwheat IS enlightenment.
Saying ‘fuck it’ and ordering the plate of chips IS enlightenment.
It’s all happening in the now.
You. Can’t. Fail. At. This.
Failure is NOT an option.
So, don’t let me catch you talking about failure (your own or someone else’s perceived) because it’s moronic and I may have to bitch-slap you.