So I’ve come up with these raw food commandments. Possibly because I’m Jesus incarnate, even though I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t even write the commandments. But he might have. Truth be told I hated Sunday School. Boring as hell. Ha, did you see what I did there? Sorry Jesus. Was it Moses?
Whatever. Moving on.
I’ve decided to myself that if you follow these ten no bullshit raw food commandments you will:
- Have 67.22% more fun every day, especially Tuesdays.
- Get laid. Probably.
- Feel and look like a supershero with whatever magic power you wish. Probably involving rainbows.
- Be able to see Unicorns and play volleyball with them.
- Discover that all these years Johnny Depp has been harbouring strong desires for you.
- Act out every one of Johnny Depp’s fantasies. With him. And maybe a Unicorn. Don’t judge!
- Turn invisible.
- Turn in to a Unicorn.
- Turn in to Johnny Depp.
- Shut up Emma.
So yeah, there’s that.
Instead of the usual Thou Shalt Not rubbish, I’m aiming for the positives. We’re all about the positive. Chances are if you tell yourself you’re not going to do something, you end up focusing on the thing you’re not supposed to do, until you find yourself actually doing it. Because in reality, humans are mental. We need rules to live by. We feel safe with rules. But deep down we’re all sodding rebels. We’re not happy unless we’re breaking the rules. You know, mixing shit up.
Cos we are secret rule breaking mixing shit up NINJAS!
So here we go.
THOU JOLLY WELL SHALT:
Decide that raw food is fun and live by this principle every day. If you discover you’re not having fun, fill your bath immediately with spinach and dive in. Alternatively, start a food fight. Not with cucumbers. Unless they’re chopped.
Eat or drink something green every day. This does not include lizards. Unless they’re raw and not busy taking over the universe with their evil plans.
Treat yourself to some raw treats and/or chocolate. Not only are you worth it, it makes raw food a bit more fun (see above) AND they taste delicious and stop you from eating less than awesome alternatives.
Be a shiny example of healthy eating, choosing to avoid dogma and arguing with people about what they should be eating. Or hating on fruitarians, it’s not their fault they love bananas so much!
Realise there’s no such thing as ‘bad’ foods. The only categories of food we understand are good, awesome, and amazingly awesome. You have food to eat, a lot of people don’t. You dig?
Eat plenty water. 70% of the planet is covered in water, aim for a similar amount of water-rich foods. You will GLOW like one of those Glo-Worms you used to get when you were wee, mind them? God, they’re actually a bit creepy. Scrap that, someone buy me one.
Eat what you LOVE – if you don’t love it, you won’t eat it. Experiment, sex it up a bit, try out new recipes, drink smoothies all day until they’re coming out your EYES! Whatever makes you feel good, keep doing it!
Keep adding more RAW food in to your diet and let your body take care of the rest. This is not a mind-game. This is a full body physical realignment process. Ooh, check me out! All you need to do is add in. ADD IN.
Move your arse – raw food is eleventybillion times more powerful when combined with exercise. Oh my, I just typed sex there instead of exercise. Moving on. Run, dance, skip, hop, jive, umm… limbo, hula hoop, pole dance, go on a bouncy castle. It all counts. The more fun you can have doing this, the better.
Decide not to follow any rules – including these. Do your own thing. To hell with everyone else and their dog. Sure, be informed but don’t get dragged in to anyone else’s rules or dogma. You will figure out what works for YOU as you go along. True. Plus, it’s fun breaking rules now again.
This blog was written by Raw Food Scotland's previous owner, Emma Calvert. You can reach her at her new website, https://missmanifestation.com/